Healing from Trauma (Raquel Brown)

A history of abuse is very difficult to work through. When a parent abuses you there are so many feelings that happen; from betrayal to devastation that once a safe space is now dangerous. When I was a toddler, I was a daddy's girl. My father hung the moon and stars and there was nothing he could do wrong. In my baby brain, the abuse he was doing while my mom was deployed didn't impact that. It was all normal. Your dad was supposed to hit you with a belt. He was supposed to hurt you for doing normal things. It wasn't until I was older that I saw how wrong everything was. When I look back, I see a little girl who loved her abuser so much and it turned my stomach for a long time. Around the time everything clicked, I was diagnosed with depression. The devastation was too much for me to process. I eventually became suicidal and every night I would pray and pray, "God, please please take my breath away and give it to someone who truly needs it." Clearly, that never happened. I felt angry at God for a while. He was letting me, someone who does not want to live, live and letting people who wanted nothing more than more time die so I stopped praying and identified my religion as agnostic. Life went on and so much good happened in this time like meeting my now husband, getting adopted by the BEST dad and finding my purpose in life but something was always missing.

When my son was born in 2020 he was admitted into the NICU hours after being born. The helplessness I felt was crushing. I felt a small pull to God but didn't heed it any mind. When my daughter was born in 2023 and was admitted to the NICU hours after being born, I felt the tug more. I finally listened. I found a church and even a friend to help curve the anxiety of going. I loved it. Going to church felt like the pressure in my chest was lifted off. I eventually got more involved and started a small group that changed my life.

In the small group, we learned about forgiveness. Luke 6:28 “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." That verse was hard to read. I didn't want to forgive. I lived with this anger and grudge for years; I didn't think it impacted me as much as it truly was. After that session, I went home and I prayed for my biological father. It was not until I surrendered the feelings and truly prayed for his health and well being that the weight was lifted off again.

When I say 'surrendered the feelings' I realized I cannot do anything about the past and while it is a part of my story, it is not the plot. I am more than someone with a history of abuse. Im a christian, mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and so much more. Philippians 4:9 says "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." God is so good and healed me from a deep trauma I thought I would have to live with forever. Going to church healed me in so many ways that therapy never could. God waited for me to come to him and when I feel like I might not quite be on my path I feel that little tug that reassures me of choices and corrects course. I thank God for leading me to my church and ultimately to Him.