Guest Writer: Christy Fuller
Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. (Isaiah 41: 10, 13)
If walls could talk, there are aspects of my life, I would want to stay deeply rooted into the framework, so they could not surface. I didn't want others to see my mess. I wanted others to see the mess others had caused me. My favorite battle cry was victimhood, and my weapons were blaming others and hurting others before they could hurt me. I held grudges tighter than a clutched string of pearls. My favorite place to sit was in anger, bitterness, and despair. I did not care what others thought or how they felt because my thoughts and feelings mattered more. I used my words to cut deep and my actions were always going to leave their mark. I was on a path of destruction, and if I was going down, everyone in my orbit was going down with me. What a selfish way to live.
I hurt many people on the road I traveled, my family was in shambles, my marriage had failed, my kids didn't have a mother they could be proud of, I was not always a good friend, and I was in complete separation from God. Ironically, the things I claimed to desire (stable family, loving marriage, being a good mom and friend, and a relationship with Christ) are the very things I consistently destroyed. I was fighting battles I could not seem to win. I had capsized into an ocean of issues and consequences, and I was one breath away from drowning. I was at a point in life where I was covered in a blanket of loneliness that left me cold and hopeless. Have you ever felt surrounded by vast darkness with no light in sight?
I clung to my anxiety and depression because it was the only feelings that didn't leave me numb. I could feel the pressure in my chest, the shortness of breath, the tingling skin, and the jittery heartbeat. If I could feel those, I must sure still be living. Have you ever felt like you were just existing?
I had put myself into a corner I could not find my way out of. But God.
I had a moment one day at work where I was so overwhelmed with a rainbow of emotions that I found myself outside looking up at the sky with tears rolling down my face. With every ounce of strength, I could muster I yelled out, "What the hell do you want from me? I have already lost more than I was prepared for. What more do you want from me?" I heard a gentle voice respond with, "I just want you." In that moment, the next breath I took felt like it hit my soul.
I started talking to God daily. I started taking my mess to him. I couldn't fix it, so I gave it to him. I asked him to reveal to me who I was in him, and anything that was not of him to be removed from my spirit. My favorite place to sit was now the foot of the cross. My anger was replaced with peace, my bitterness with love, and my despair with hope. My victim mindset became my victory in Jesus. My destruction became my resurrection. My desires became what God desired for me. Restoration started happening in my family. I became the bride of Christ, a covenant that he will never break, I am learning and growing daily into the Godly and loving mother my children can be proud of. I still falter. I am human. My downfall became my healing, and I went from death to life.
BUT GOD!!!!
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