As we took my sweet girl to her last day of kindergarten, I was overwhelmed with emotions of the goodness of God.
In May of 2017 I sat in my high school awaiting for my graduation while around five months pregnant. I didn't know what life was going to be like for me. I was unwed and knew that our relationship was not always life-giving. I knew I was going to start and finish college. I knew I'd be home with my parents. Everything was so unsure though. My darkest sin was out in the open. I knew my daughter would be a gift to me but I didn't know how I could be a good mom. I was so unsure of the life ahead of me.
So as I sat in the front seat of my car on the way to drop her off, I just couldn't believe where God had brought us. I watch this strong six-year old girl rock this world. This little girl that the enemy wanted to use for evil stands in confidence of God’s redemption and purpose for all. She declares God as hers. She sings and shouts prayer of worship for Him. She is such a gift to all those who know her. She's kind. She's funny. She can be sassy and strong. She's independent. She owns the world. She's God’s gift to so many but especially me.
If I could go back to that 17-year-old girl and just show her the life ahead, I'm not sure she would believe me. I'm not sure she would welcome it. It's very different from the life she thought she would have. She might believe it and rush it. She would probably miss out on so much God had in store. In all honesty, I'm not sure I would go back and show the 17-year-old girl this life. There is a lot she needed to learn and become. She needed to be humbled. She needed to be brought up. She needed to be knocked on her face. She needed God to take her plans. She needed to surrender. I might not go back to show that girl this life in store but I can look back as a woman and stand in confidence of her God and the divine Author that He is.
Can I let you in on a sad truth?
I used to not be proud of that 17-year-old girl or the journey she had gone on to be the woman that I am today. I used to be ashamed of her. I used to pity her. I used to think she was such a screw up and not worthy of any goodness. I especially didn't believe that she was worthy of any type of honor. But goodness, I do honor that girl. She messed up and had to figure some stuff out but she handled each and every one of those the best that she could. She was a good mom.
It's taken 7 years but I can tell you that I am now proud of my testimony. It's one that can help fight for girls that are “broken.” It's a testimony that shows my God Who redeems. It declares “beauty from ash.” It's taken a long time to get here- a lot of healing and counseling- but I can confidently stand here as God’s redeemed girl.
So as I was sitting in that passenger seat heading to drop my daughter off for her last day of kindergarten, I was proud. I was in awe. I was filled with gratitude that this is the story of my life. It's not always been beautiful. It's definitely not always been easy but it is beautiful now and it is all for His glory.
Sister, He doesn't leave you where you are. He doesn't leave you in shame and brokenness. He wants so much more for you. You might be in the middle of the mess. You might not see where any good is or how He can redeem this situation but let my life be the banner of His redemption. He wants so much more for you than for you to stay in your despair. Feel the feelings. Live the conviction. Then walk in freedom and redemption.
& I pray that one day you can be riding down the road and look back on the goodness of God and be in awe.
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