It was my senior year of high school and I was just living the high life. In high school you think you are living your best life - and you should be. You live with no regrets and know that these are some of the best days of your life but in reality, it’s only the beginning. My senior year I dressed up for all the game day themes, was at every game, deciding between UNA and Mobile, yearbook editor and with my friends most of the time. I was heavily involved in church and First Priority at school. I decided to head off to UNA to get my teaching degree and room with my best friend. I was also in a relationship. A young, typical high school relationship. We had been good friends throughout middle and high school but then started dating our junior year. It was not the best relationship - very inconsistent. We would be together and all that fun but then break up the next day to then get back together two days later. It was a very high school relationship and very toxic. We were very, very toxic for each other. I went throughout the year and loved almost every moment of it. I wanted my senior year to count and be the best. In January of my senior year, my life flipped upside down. I remember that day so vividly and it is funny because there are a lot of somewhat important days to follow that I don’t remember so well but this day and the weekend to follow, I do. It was Friday, January 13th of 2017 when I took a pregnancy test. I had always been a bit “boy crazy” growing up which I am not proud of but I had never thought I would cross lines like I did. My mom and I would always talk and she would express how sexual actions were saved for marriage and that you gave yourself away in small (or big ways) everytime you would participate in these activities so when it came to boys I was pretty guarded in that. I had made some mistakes here and there but I never thought it would lead to this. I remember I was talking to some friends and it seemed like everybody was doing it. I was the only one not. I remember hearing the football players brag about what they accomplished and always thought I would never be talked about like that until one day I was. For a while, I would stay on the fence which sometimes is worse. I would think well I’m not going all the way so am I really that bad? I was categorizing my sin and you just can’t do that. Then came the day when I really did cross the line. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be secure in the relationship - so many girls think that is security. It’s not. It’s mistakes and vulnerability. It’s you giving away a beautiful part of yourself that you won’t get back. That doesn’t mean it’s not redeemable because our God is a God who redeems but it is something that is irreplaceable. Not a lot of people knew that I had had sex. It wasn’t something I boasted about and I don’t think he did either. It wasn’t something I was necessarily proud of but it wasn’t something I stopped even though I knew it was wrong. I remember that I would never talk bad or judge those having sex because I didn’t want to seem hypocritical but looking back now I know that in a way I still was. I mean everyone is in some way or another because judging someone else's sin when you have sin too isn’t our place. It doesn’t make you holier than thou or take away yours. God looks at all sin the same but I was still acting like I was one thing and not acknowledging the sin that was taking place in my life. I really struggled with that too because I loved the Lord. I really did and I think anyone that knows me would know that and I never really went away from Him. I studied the Word, went to church and had a relationship but I wouldn’t acknowledge the wrong and way I hurt my Heavenly Father. The Friday I found out I was pregnant I just couldn’t believe it. Leading up to that week I had all the symptoms that I was about to start my period but then didn’t get it. A bit of me freaked out but I really tried not to. I talked to my close friend and said that by Friday I will take a test if I need to. I remember that there was a tiny feeling where I kind of knew deep down but kept pushing back that feeling and believing it wasn’t true. Finally, my boyfriend told me I needed to take a test. I found out later that he knew it was probably an option but was just scared to tell me which I understand fully. We weren’t prepared or ready. We were about to break up again but stayed together because of this. I remember that I got my best friend to go buy my test because she had to check out of school for not feeling well and I didn’t want my parents to see the purchase. I didn’t want to take it to my house because I didn’t want them to find out. I remember that I went out to my car to get the test and went into the bathroom at school to take the test. Looking back, I shouldn’t have done that but that school was safe to me. I remember which bathroom and stall I was in. I took the test and set it on the ground then literally backed up in the opposite corner and waited until I saw those two lines. I wept. I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe that I had let this happen. This wasn’t me. I was Emily- the “Goodie Goodie” to most. I was the preacher's kid, I had a good childhood with good parents and a church. I wasn’t in rebellion- I just screwed up. But when you sin, you have consequences, no matter what. I remember being a wreck the rest of the day. I was so lost and broken. I couldn’t breathe. My life literally changed. I wasn’t going to UNA, my parents would probably disown me I thought and what about my siblings? I felt so ugly. I felt so alone. I had to act like everything was okay though because, ironically, we had a youth conference to go to that weekend. It was the first conference where my whole family went. It was my whole family, my boyfriend and my best friend at the time. I was off the whole weekend and my dad noticed. I didn’t know what to do or how to react and one time I even got a little ugly with him. He took me outside and asked me what was really going on. I told him I just didn’t want to be there and wanted to be alone. He knew- he’s my dad and he loves me. I remember that at the beginning of the weekend I felt distant from God but then the second night Casting Crowns played and the song Who Am I came on. When I say I was wrecked, that is an understatement. That song spoke so much truth in the valley I was in right then. It talked about how the Lord of all knew my name! He knew me and cared about me. It talked about how at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who I am or what I have done but it matters what He had and continues to do. It matters who He is. I decided right then that I was not going to let this define me. I was not going to be a statistic. I would finish college and I would do it for my baby. I would be a good mom and I would glorify God. I knew somehow He would use this circumstance for good. We went through the rest of the weekend and somehow I made it through with fake smiles and trying to be as much like myself as I could be. We came home on Monday and I knew I had to tell my parents. I had actually talked to one of my vice principals at school the next day because I did not know how to handle it. She knew my dad really well and knew he would love me through it. She was really encouraging. During the meantime, my dad was still worried and was keeping a close eye on me. On Wednesday, my boyfriend and I talked to my mom. I told her I was pregnant and the shame I felt. I will never ever forget what she said to me after that. “I love you no matter what and God uses broken people.” And she does love me and God does use broken people. It’s all throughout the Bible and I am so thankful for that. My mom went on to tell my dad and he was so great. I honestly can’t remember what all he said but he reminded me that this was a consequence due to sin but the baby would be a blessing. He hugged me and I knew I was safe. They were there to protect me and help me. The next few weeks were rough. We told my siblings and that was honestly one of the hardest parts. They were broken and I was hurt. I disappointed them. They didn’t talk to me for a couple of days and when they did, we all had a heart to heart. They were excited though during the pregnancy and even now they adore my baby. We went to the doctor, just my parents and I. My doctor was a serious God-send. She was amazing and I love her still. She told me that there were other options but she would not participate in those and didn’t really like talking about them. She let us hear the heartbeat and that was a beautiful sound. We got to see the ultrasound and I didn’t know how I could love something so small and weird looking. As people started finding out no one could really believe it was true. I had some really great friends because they would try to steer people away from believing the rumors. My dad felt like he needed to announce the church and just be real and vulnerable as a leader. I love that about my daddy- he is not fake in any way. He announced to the church one Sunday in complete brokenness. The response was shocking. Round Island had been our home since I was four years old and they never stopped. I could not believe the amount of hugs and love that was poured out. There were so many people that came up and explained they had a similar situation whether through their parents, kids or themselves that I never knew. It was beautiful. I even had this one lady that was older and a little traditional become someone I never expected. She asked me every Sunday how I was and if I had an appointment. I even have a picture of her and my baby from the first Christmas that I adore so much. Even at school, people weren’t just ugly to me. I did have one instance where someone was ugly to me in our senior group message but it didn’t last long. Everyone came to my defense- even the popular ones. I had one guy tell me how he supported me and would help in any way because everyone was sinning in a way but my sin was just out in the open. I had a beautiful and amazing baby shower. We had more gifts than we could believe. God honestly was everywhere and I couldn’t believe it. I went through my pregnancy and it was really hard. Like I said, when your sin is visible it’s not fun. I was in a young, toxic relationship where we both just hurt each other constantly. I didn’t post about being pregnant really until my baby shower and my dad really persisted in that. He didn’t want me to brag on my sin in a way so in a lot of ways I had to push that back. I didn’t have cute posts. I didn’t really wear maternity clothes- I tried to hide it really and was thankful I didn’t get very big. When I found out I was having a girl I was so excited. When I went into the hospital to become a mama on Monday, september 11 2017 at just 18 years old I didn’t know I would come out a different person. The hospital drained me. There was a lot of tension with everything and I didn’t really get to enjoy becoming a mom but I also did because of the blessing. At 1:48AM on Tuesday, September 12 I delivered my baby after days of back labor, losing her heart rate a couple of times and being in labor for twelve hours. My mom stood beside me as my doctor helped deliver. Seeing my baby girl for the first time was the most amazing thing in the world and I knew nothing would compare to that love I have for her. Everything was worth it and I knew that no matter what, God brings good. He doesn’t have to either, which is the funny thing. He promises us good in Heaven, but isn’t it such a joy when He brings good to earth. I held my baby girl as tears rolled down my face. I held her and just kissed her face. I couldn’t stop. She was so beautiful. She was everything I needed. My family and friends were so amazing through it. My two best girl friends stayed all night to see when she was born. My sisters were there. My daddy held her and told her what he told me when I was born, “Mahoney Nicole, we love you and God loves you. You’re perfect.” You know, I’ve never really just told my story and writing this out wasn’t easy honestly but it also reminds me of what all God has done in my life. I read a quote a couple of weeks ago that said “If you could tell your high school self something what would it be?” When I read it I immediately thought of a 17 year old me taking that pregnancy test. I had no idea what was in store and honestly, I still don’t. I begged God to tell me what He had in store for me but I wouldn’t have been able to handle that. Two months after my daughter was born I officially ended it with her biological father. I was a single mom, but I wasn’t a statistic. I remember crying to one of my friends saying I didn’t know how God could send me a good, Godly man that would love me and my baby after the mess I made. That friend told me to just wait and not doubt God. I did though haha. We all do at times. But oh my goodness how God has blessed me. When my daughter was nine months old, God brought the love of my life into our crazy life and he didn’t leave. It was the first time I ever felt just secure. Brandon was such an answer to prayers. He had a family who loved the Lord and my daughter, he was a servant to the Lord and valued me. I remember one time I told my mom that things just felt weird but in a good way and my mom said “Because you are with someone who loves you and takes care of you which you deserve.” He did take care of me and love me but more importantly he loved my little girl that wasn’t his. From the moment he met her he never stopped. They became instant best friends. Brandon would go with me to the doctor or insist she be with us when we were out. He wanted me but he wanted ME. He wanted me as a mom and who I was. He was there for her first steps, first teeth, first birthday. He was and is there. At night now, when she wakes up he’s the one that takes her back to bed and tells her goodnight. In November of 2018, Brandon asked me to marry him and after that he asked Mo if he could be her step daddy and love her forever as well. In July of 2019, we said our vows in front of our friends and family. We promised to love each other through it all and honor God through it. It was the most beautiful moment. And then Brandon said his vows to Mahoney Nicole. He promised to love her as his own through the tantrums, hard times and lack of sleep. He promises to always be there for her and love her with everything in him. He promised that even though he’s not her father, he will love her and take care of her as a dad should. It was everything I prayed for. It was God redeeming every broken moment. Today, I would not be the woman I am without my ugly story that turned beautiful. Today, I am a small business owner as a photographer, finishing up my degree, a huge family, an amazing tribe of friends and my dream home and family. My daughter, Mahoney Nicole, is my best friend. She’s my mini me. She’s spoiled rotten by everyone! Everyone that comes to know her loves her. We snuggle on the couch, we go for walks, we sit on the porch and we have lots of dance parties. What Satan tried to use to destroy me, God used to save me because I would be so lost if I hadn’t had her. I sit back and think of all the good He has provided. I still struggle with everything, I told my dad last week that sometimes I always feel like I am the screw up of the family and am not a great mom but that’s just the devil. I am a great mom- I’m just learning. I love my daughter with everything in me. To those that are struggling with your sin, please don’t fall into the devil. Don’t let him win because in the end he really doesn’t. I know that is easier said than done but it’s true. God hears you and He hears you even when you don’t say anything to Him. I came across a verse recently that I have alway overlooked, Romans 8:26-27. “In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings. And He who searches the hearts knows the Spirit’s mind-set, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” God is not done with you and He can redeem any situation to make it beautiful. He hears you as He heard me through my whole life even when I didn’t say something to Him. Never doubt what God can do for you. As my favorite author Lysa Terkeurst says, “Be in His presence through the process to get to His promise.”