Miscarriage Story
You aren't alone. This is something to talk about. If you need to share, please do.
In July of 2021, I lost my second child. This child is was my first child with my husband. It was a child I dreamed of. It is a child that one day, I will meet again. Below are some posts and updates from my miscarriage. This is here as a place to always go back to but also share with others.
Post I made days after my miscarriage
We need to be real on social media right? It's not just a highlight reel...right? Well this is real & it's not the post I wanted to make. Two weeks ago, Brandon and I found out we were four weeks pregnant after trying for a little longer than we expected. We went ahead and shared with close family and friends. We were excited and started planning even though many say not to early in a pregnancy. Our plan was to announce after my 8 week appointment on July 30. We were going to share the news of our precious Baby Davis- our little answered prayer. Sunday, July 18, I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage. It was the longest and hardest experience to only be one day. The doctor explained that most women wouldn't even know it was a miscarriage. But I did. I'm broken. I'm lost. I'm confused. I think I've cried more these past couple of days more than I have in my life. I know I was still early but I loved that sweet baby and I celebrated it fully. I don't understand God's plan...at all. & I'm sorry if you feel like I should be strong and steady in it since I'm a believer because, well I'm not strong in it. I've wanted to run from it yet in the moments when I am weeping and screaming, I have my worship music blaring. I'm not strong and steady but thankfully, I don't have to be. I know it will all be okay and I know that my baby is okay. I just wish I was able to hold that little one in my arms. God answered my prayer that I prayed all day on Sunday, that my baby would be okay. I am not okay though and as I hold my baby girl that is on earth, I grieve my baby that is in Heaven. The only beautiful hope I have right now is that my Savior is waiting on me and right behind Him is my mother-in-love holding my sweet baby beside my grandmother waiting to embrace me. Before Ellen died she told my SIL's that she just wanted to take care of the babies in Heaven whose mommy's and daddy's weren't there yet. There's no one better to take care of my baby. Ellen wanted to see Brandons baby so bad and now she's holding it tight...and I'm a bit jealous. ❤️
Today was the day we were going to post that we were pregnant. I was supposed to see my healthy baby on an ultrasound and have a precious picture of a "little bean." Instead, I had my one ultrasound that showed no baby. I had no pictures of my baby and didn't even get a picture of the three of us with my baby belly. I've really struggled with the why. Why did my baby have to die? Why did I have to wait six hours...three of those with fear, tears and frustration then three filled with hope when they said my test was positive only to have it crushed when they did the ultrasound and there was no baby? Was it something I did or didn't do? I'm so confused and I was fighting for my why. I was fighting hard. I would shut people out because I felt so angry and confused but then would try to bring them back in. The guilt was unbearable to face. My best friend understood. She went through the same thing (like literally almost same thing) two years ago. She's a control freak like me so she knew I was battling. She told me what her doctor said and I'm going to paraphrase it: Every pregnancy is such a gift and every detail has to align for that baby to make it. If one thing is off then everything is off. I also had an amazing lady tell me that her doctor said: This is happens often and it's how God designed healthy babies and we want healthy babies. Those statements hurt but honestly, they brought peace as well. I don't understand why still. I don't understand why there was so much hope ripped away. One thing I do know though is that I didn't want my baby to suffer and I have to believe that even though I was shattered, my baby went safely to Jesus. When I posted about my miscarriage, a girl commented and said "Aside from the arms of Jesus, your baby spent it's life in the safest place it'll ever know." & that brought so much peace. I still don't understand why. I still battle that it was my fault and I did something to hurt my baby but I also am remembering that this world is broken. Bad things happen. Things happen that don't make sense. BUT...this isn't my home. Even though I battle flesh and earth in my thoughts and actions, I rest in His peace and truth.
July 30, 2021 post
